What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
