evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
