News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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