Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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