now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
