how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
