Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
