at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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