My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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