Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
