Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
