Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
