I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
