How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
