Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
