please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
