lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Are my feet made of real feet?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
