So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
