stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
