I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
