these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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