That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
