I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
