I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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