I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
