apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
