just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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