I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
