Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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