I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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