My room smells like vodka and shame
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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