I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
