R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
