don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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