I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
