Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
