He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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