the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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