A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
