dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
