We won't sleep together?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
