It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize