Pappa wants mamma naked
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He passed out mid-signature
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
