the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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