Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
