I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
