drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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