I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
