There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just threw up on my dentist
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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