my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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