Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
