I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
