Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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