god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
