my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
