You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
