I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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