The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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