While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize