you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
