And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
