if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
