last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
