What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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