did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hippo gnu deer
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
