I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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