i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
