After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
