i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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