just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
